What Should I Do?: Part One

With the Super Bowl less than one week away, I find myself faced with an important yet difficult dilemma.

Who do I cheer for?

As a die-hard fan of the San Francisco 49ers, I don't have a dog in this fight. As a matter of fact, the last time my team played for the Lombardi trophy I was nine years old (Not that I can complain that much, they have won in five times in their history). Each year when the Super Bowl comes around, I don't have much difficulty selecting which team I will root for. I tend to side with the underdogs or sentimental favorites ('08 Giants, '10 Saints). I also will quickly root against the teams I hate or "dynasty" teams (Cowboys, Packers, Steelers, Patriots). That is what makes this Super Bowl so tough. I really don't want to see either team win. So, it order to sort out my predicament into the First Ever Paper Badge Tale of the Tape: Super Bowl XLV Edition.

1. The Lemon Law

In order to proceed to the rest of our head-to-head comparison, both teams must pass the Lemon Law (© Barney Stinson). This means I have to be able to look at both teams and not find one thing so overbearingly repugnant that no other factor will even matter. The Lemon Law test requires asking three questions. First, Did anyone involved with either team do anything to physically or emotionally hurt your family, friends, or Rihanna? Second, does Brett Favre or Max Hall play major minutes for either team? Third, if given the choice to watch Best in Show or The Guardian, would anyone on the team pick that horrendous Costner/Kutcher disaster? Okay, so that last one may have been more for dating, but as far as I am aware both team pass the first two questions.

Advantage: Push. One point for both team

2. The Facial Hair Factor

There has been much fanfare this week surrounding the locks of Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews. I'll give these guys credit for some great hair, but if you want to win my Super Bowl vote, it's all about the beard. And the winner of the Super Bowl beard competition is not even close...

Meet Brett Keisel, Steelers defensive end and alumnus of BYU. For those non-sports fans out there, if you were shown this picture and were given x-amount of choices to guess the university he attended for a million dollars, how many guesses would it take to finally say BYU? I'm not entirely sure what the Packers have to offer in the beard department, but it can't touch this.

Advantage: Pittsburgh. Double points for a double beard.

3. Hate/Revenge Level

My hate for the Packers runs deep. My buddy Marcus has always despised the Pack and passed that on to me. During the 90s/early 00s, the Niners and Packers had a series of great rivalry games, most of them did not go our way. But, this team is different. There is no Brett Favre. No Mike Holmgren. The Pack whooped us this year, and I have beat us eight straight times. The last time we beat them was on a miracle pass from Steve Young to Terrll Owens. All that said, I don't mind seeing them lose.

I've never really hated the Steelers. The Niners rarely play them and we beat them in '03 followed by a loss in '07. The one thing that the Steelers have going against them is the amount of Super Bowls the have won. They currently have six, while the Niners (and Cowboys) have five. A 7-5 advantage is tough to overcome. We were first to five and it would be nice to get that title back.

Advantage: Pittsburgh. I was originally going to give this section to Green Bay, but as I typed their section my blood started to boil with the memory of all those defeats. One point to the Steelers.

Through three quarters, the Steelers have a 4-1 lead. Tune in tomorrow for Round 2.